TanoBlog

Day of Firsts

Today is Gotcha Day. If you read back 2 years you'll find that on this date on the 11th floor of the Gloria Hotel in Nanchang, Shoshi officially joined our family. She came clutching a pink bear that she continues to grasp every night for bed (and whenever she's feeling a little uneasy... like on the plane too and from DC).

Of course, 2 years on she's a very different child. This picture with the dandelion crown is from this past weekend. We'd hoped to celebrate with a dinner out, but these past few days have been pretty hectic, so we celebrated with some cheesecake and chocolate chip cookies.

We also had another first: Alex and Ben rode two-wheelers for the first time! It's been a long time coming, and we had to fall back on a little healthy competition to move things along, but they're both good to go! And now I can have the father's day I want: a bike ride along the Charles along with a picnic lunch.

Peering into the future

Ellen has a necklace that we started when Alex was born. It has two white gold hoops and a bead for each child that we added right after the child came home.

A day or so after we returned from China we left the boys home with the grandparents and took Shoshi to the jeweler to add her bead. While there, with a very shy, tired and confused little girl, we met a couple who also happened to be getting something for the daughter they adopted from China: a piece of jewelry for her Bat Mitzvah.

They told us how they'd combined cultures calling it a "Buddha Mitzvah" and how they'd taken their daughter back to China a few years earlier. It was wonderful meeting them since they were among the first families to adopt once China opened its doors to foreign adoption.

Today the New York Times ran a wonderful piece about a recent Bat Mitzvah of a girl adopted from the same orphanage as Shoshi 13 years ago, when she was just 3 months old. It's worth a read, and the accompanying video is worth a view. Catch it now before it enters the archives the Times charges you to access it.

All of a Kind

What does it mean to be an Asian Jew? It something that Ellen and I think about frequently. The fact is, most Jews aren't Asian, though there is a growing population thanks to the influx of adopted children from places like Korea and China. In fact, our temple includes a number of families that are, in some way, Asian, whether that's a parent who is Chinese or with adopted children.

Over on Nextbook.org, the producers created a wonderful audio slideshow in which they interviewed three families (including one from my hometown of Suffern, N.Y.) who discuss the issues of raising a Jewish/Chinese daughter.

There is also an interview with a woman who grew up just west of our home in Massachusetts named Leah Bloom. Leah was adopted from Korea and raised in a Jewish home. She is in a slightly different position from Shoshi in that since she was on the forefront of this trend, she was, pretty much, the canary in the coal mine, finding her own identity as she was straddling two worlds.

Both pieces are worth a look and listen.

A Year Ago

Monday, May 15 marks one year since Shoshi landed in our arms. You can watch the video on a previous post or relive the whole trip. I'm not going to go through all the ways our lives have changed over the last year, for that you'll just have to dig through the archives, but it's been nothing if not a trip!

For a little comparison, below is a picture from the evening of Gotcha Day and one from a couple of weeks ago (I'm sure I have something more recent, but I can't find it right now).

Irony

Most of the time when I tell people about Shoshi, where she's from and the process of adopting her, I get positive responses. But lately those responses have been tempered a bit by people saying "isn't China trying to end foreign adoption?"

Some of this has been driven by a recent report on 60 Minutes about the dearth of girls in China and the long-term effects of a male-dominant society. The story is careful to note all the factors that have gone into this problem, notably the presence of ultrasound machines (despite laws discouraging this) which tell parents the sex of their babies in enough time for them to abort.

But she also brings up the international adoption issue.

A lot of Americans and Europeans come to China to adopt Chinese babies, almost all girls. Asked whether, given the shortage of girls, the program is a good thing to continue, Zhao says: "I think it good for children themselves. But it is not good for a country to solve your problem."

For example, a hotel in Jiangxi province is filled year-round with families who come here to adopt.  60 Minutes saw people from Spain, the Netherlands, all over Europe, in the hotel. 

This is a great irony: while China tries to increase its population of girls, they allow — albeit for humanitarian reasons — 12,000 to leave a year; 8,000 to the U.S. alone.

During an interview put on the CBS Web site, Stahl notes that the numbers of girls sent out of the country through the international adoption program are very low reiterated that she only noted it because of the irony of it all.

The story itself doesn't make this clear enough, leading many people to conclude that the international adoption program is an important part of the problem. I'm not convinced that it is. It's also worth noting that China has slowed down the program. Where our wait time from being DTC (Documents to China) was 6 months, most prospective parents are now told to expect 11 or 12 month waits.

Also, the story started out in Jiangxi, specifically in Linchuan, Fuzhou's next-door-neighbor. In fact, one of the pictures of men standing around that they showed in the piece looked remarkably similar to pictures I took while visiting. I'm trying to get the full video, but I think the hotel mentioned abovie is the Gloria Hotel, where a year ago Shoshi was put into our arms.

Shoshi Video

When we had Shoshi's baby naming I produced a small video and put it up on this blog, but not many people downloaded it. I think it was just too cumbersome. So I'm trying YouTube.com. Let me know what you think. The quality isn't the best on this, but that's mostly because of the compression engine. I'm too cheap to buy a good one.

 

One Year and a Lifetime Ago Today....

It was one year ago today that Ellen and I received a phone call from Cawli telling us that we had been referred a daughter.

It seems like a lifetime ago. That little girl who we knew only through a handful of pictures and from a description on a piece of paper, this morning was sitting happily at the table eating a bowl of Cheerios and singing "The Wheels on the Bus" with all the hand movements. She can also do the "Itsy Bitsy Spider."

Oh, and she loves to dance. It's why she likes to go with Ellen and Ben to a local bagel store, just to hear the "singing lady." This week she grabbed the hands of another little girl so they could dance together.

One year or a lifetime? I can't figure out which.

Adoption or Business?

An interesting story from this weekend's Boston Globe Magazine (free sub. req) takes a look at the world of international adoption and asks if it is, or should be, more of a business. The author is an associate a professor at Harvard Business School and has three children, one of whom was adopted from Russia. The tone is not like the usual pieces on adoption you read, which are filled with heart-wrenching tales and beautiful language. This one talks in terms of supply, demand, markets and producers.

It doesn't talk about China specifically, and after reading it I'm still not sure what I think, but it's worth taking reading for yourself. I'm curious to hear people's thoughts on it.

The Final Signature

That's it, it's done. The final document has been signed that makes Shoshi ours in every possible jurisdiction.

Thanks to a judge in the Middlesex County Probate Office, Shoshi has her very own Massachusetts birth certificate.

We all walked in around 8:30, said hi to the clerks behind the desk, then went to wait at some tables. The kids got bored, started to ask for food, Ben got a bit belligerent. A tone that only continued later, and then 20 minutes later got the document, reviewed and signed it, then were called into his office.

Shoshi took to the judge right away, showing the endearing side of her personality. He read the document, signed his signature and POOF... we're done! I video taped the whole thing, which probably has a lot of Benjamin on the soundtrack saying "I want to look at the video!" Then we tried to take a nice picture, but Ben kept hiding.

As we were leaving Ben through another tantrum over his coat. He fell asleep on the way home.

Despite the bureaucratic nature of it, and the attention grabbing (Alex did wonderfully, by the way, sitting quietly, smiling and being otherwise quite agreeable) this is a moment worth remembering.

One Final (really final) Step

With the exception of Gotcha Day, the adoption process has been one bureaucratic step after another. Most are somewhat anti-climactic.

The day after we first held Shoshi in our arms, we trooped off to a Chinese office to do most of our paperwork. Then waited around Nanchang until we got her passport so we could move on. Most of our time in Guangzhou was spent waiting for the US to process her paperwork so we could go home. Then, upon arrival in the US, we waited at immigration until they called our name and she became a citizen.

Tomorrow is our final step. We will go to a Massachusetts courtroom to make her ours in the eyes of the Commonwealth. She is already ours in the eyes of the US Government and the Chinese Government, but there are identifying papers that we can only get from the state, and to get those we must go before a judge.

And then we should be complete in the eyes of the law.

Kung hei fat choi

This year CAWLI is celebrating 10 years in business. That's 10 years of matching children (mostly girls) with their "Forever Families." We are proud to be among that group that numbers more than 1400. Like every year, CAWLI hosted a Chinese New Year's party that included more than 1300 people, as well as vendors, crafts and dancers.

Trying to keep tabs on three kids, two of whom can easily and quickly skirt through legs, in this kind of environment is a challenge, to say the least. In fact, Benjamin got separated and "lost" for a short time, finally finding a grown up he knew just as Ellen spotted him. He was pretty shook up.

But overall we had an amazing time. I took Shoshi over to the dance floor, but she didn't want to let go of my hand. That is, until she saw her best-friend from daycare, a little girl who came back from China 6 months ahead. Suddenly, Shoshi wanted to start dancing in a circle and had a great time.

Upon walking in I saw a booth selling documentaries. I figured I'd come back when I had a moment, which I did. Looking at the name tag of the producer, I realized that I worked with him 15 years ago as an intern at Channel 7, then worked with him again a few years later when he ran the northeast desk at CBS Newspath. All pretty cool. He has two daughters, both adopted through CAWLI, one 7 and another 4. He also told me that his 7 year old is from a province near where Shoshi is from, and had the same, cute, round shape way back when. Then she shot up and turned into a string bean!

Shoshi did her usual strutting, once she got comfortable. At one point she walked right up to a baby, got in her face and gave her a big kiss. She also pushed her way right up to the front of the crowd so she could sit and watch the dancers. No one would dare stop her.

Alex didn't push his way to the front, but spent about 2 hours seated on the side of the dance floor watching the dancers. Most were from local dance troupes including girls of all ages. The day ended with the lion and dragon dances, which the kids loved. The picture you see here of the dragons was taken by Benjamin.

In all this was just a great event, and seeing all these little girls dressed up in their silks is just wonderful. I wore my silk shirt (after some nervous chatter that I may not... I'm glad I did... I looked GOOOOD) and everyone had a great time. We all left exhausted and at least two of us fell asleep in the car on the way home. I wasn't among them.

Understanding Adoption

Shoshi is our daughter.

I don't think anyone can disagree with that statement. She is as much our daughter as the boys are our sons. She is as much the sister of Alex as Ben is his brother. You get the point.

So why is it when referring to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, a writer working for Parade Magazine said that they were expecting a child of "their own"?

But that's not what bugs me. A person wrote into the publication asking "Why do stars like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopt foreign kids when many are waiting here?" The answer starts by saying that that it's fashionable in Hollywood to adopt from the third world. Then goes on to quote Henry Winkler (the actor who also works on behalf of foster kids) about the number of kids available in the U.S. For a great breakdown of the numbers behind this statement, check out Brian Stuy's blog. It's worth a read.

Also worth a read is the  outrage pouring through on Parade.com.

But from our perpsective, adopting from China was not something we did lightly. Honestly, from the begining I knew where I wanted to adopt from, but the rationale wasn't that "it's easier" or "I want to be fashionable" (this is a child, not a new pair of shoes) but that the laws in the US are such that they favor biological parents. Yes, there are many kids in the US and, as Stuy points out, the primary goal of the foster system is to reunite childen with biological relatives. It's the way the system works.

I felt that if we were going to devote our love and our lives to raising this child, I wanted her to be ours. I didn't want to worry that a biological parent would change their mind, do a search, find her and take her back (and probably win). It wasn't right for me and it wouldn't be right for the child.

I know there are options like an open adoption, and that may be right for other people, but not for us.

Shoshi is part of our family. We will always love her, even when she's a teenager and wants nothing to do with us. It's a promise we made the boys when they were born and when we signed the adoption papers.

Shoshi is our daughter.

The quilt has arrived!

This post was written by Ellen

Many of you contributed a quilt square to Shoshi’s 100 Good Wishes Quilt and the quilt has finally arrived safe and sound at our house. It has had quite a journey.

A friend of mine, Amy, who lives in Louisiana, not far from New Orleans, volunteered to put the quilt pieces together. Amy is someone I met through an online group nearly five years ago while we were both trying to get pregnant. I shipped the squares to her in April and in her free time – she has a son who is nearly 3 and full time job – began to put the quilt together. We gave her free reign on the quilt – we batted around a few ideas, but in the end I left it to her creative devices.

You can probably guess the next part of the story. Amy planned to mail the quilt back to me right after Labor Day. The weekend before Labor Day, Amy evacuated New Orleans and traveled three hours away to a relative’s house to wait out Hurricane Katrina. She e-mailed to let us know she was leaving – I had no idea whether she took the quilt. For a week, I did not know whether Amy and her family were safe or whether any of their homes were still standing. Amy was finally able to email the Friday after Labor Day that her home and her parents’ home were fine. Amy lost a fence, a tree and her job. The company with which she was employed pulled up stakes from New Orleans and relocated to Orlando, Florida.

She finished up the quilt over the last few weeks while the rest of the area started rebuilding, finishing it just recently and mailied it to us last Thursday. It arrived after 8 days and about 8 phone calls to UPS. It was worth the wait. The quilt is exactly how I pictured it would look (or maybe how I thought it should look).

When I mailed the quilt squares, I separated them into categories – immediate family, family and friends, and squares I received in a quilt exchange. I did not label who the squares were from. Interestingly, many of the swatches from related people are grouped together. For example, Amy grouped the boys’ squares together and she grouped most of the quilt squares sent by others in our online group together.

In general, those from the immediate family are at the heart of the quilt, toward the center, with our ever expanding community growing from that.

The picture, of course, does not do it justice. When you come and visit, we’ll show it off to you along with the corresponding book that contains everyone’s wish!

The Red Thread

Back when we were telling the boys about Shoshi I went looking for a book or two that could help them deal with what was coming. Many of the books on the market dealt with kids having a baby sister or with adopted children getting another child the same way. Few dealt with bio kids, though some didn't say one way or the other.

So I did what I know how to do: I wrote something. Alex liked hearing it, Ben, not so much. But I read it to them a few times and the reaction was pretty good. I thought about getting it published by a children's book publisher, but few are accepting new transcripts. So I'm putting it here for people to read to their children.

The only thing I ask is that you not use it as if it were your own, and that you credit me if you plan to show someone else. Also, please don't make money on it. That would just be unfair.

The Red Thread
One day I found a red thread lying next to my heart. I tugged it… and it tugged back.

So I followed it.

Along the way I found a woman and asked her “where will this thread lead?”

She told me “The thread has many tangles and knots, it meets many other threads. But in the end you will find happiness and love.” 

So I went on.

I found happiness and love with a wonderful woman, and she became my wife. We followed the thread together. 

It led us over hills, through valleys, down roads and alleys.

It led us deep into our hearts and through our fears. 

The thread took us to the hospital, where we found happiness and love with our son. He gurgled and smiled, then joined us on our journey.

As we followed the thread we saw the world a little differently, this time as parents. We took many pictures on this part of our journey. 

We took the thread to a little house where we started stitching a home, but something kept tugging on the end, so we followed it further.

The red thread tangled with those of other families, each on their own path. 

We followed it through offices filled with paper where we found people cutting red tape.

We followed it onto a plane and over the ocean, all the way to China.

The thread took us to a room where we found the one tugging on the other end: a beautiful daughter who filled us all with happiness and love.

So together we gathered the thread, carried it across the world and finished making our home.

Welcome CCAI DTC May-June

I've seen quite a few people link in from a post on a CCAI message board. I'm guessing you received your referrals today (or around today), so first, congratulations!

But I'm also curious about how you found my blog. If someone could just email me or post a comment to let me know, I'd really appreciate it.

Getting Shoshi

Today was Shoshi's baby naming, more on that later. But I wanted to post the movie we showed there. It's a large, downloadable MPEG file and runs about 7:45. You may notice that I also put a Podcast subscription up on the left column. That means, whenever I post an audio or video file, it's supposed to tell your RSS reader and then enable you to download it.

I'm not going to go into how to use that kind of stuff here, but a few searches should tell you more.

Download getting_shoshi.mpg

Please note that since this is a rather large file, I may not leave it up here forever. If, in the future, you come to this page and can't download the video, just email me and I'll help you get it.

Visually Capturing the Trip

Back in college my friends and I went "Scorpion Bowling." This basically meant we went to a Chinese restaurant in Harvard Square that didn't card, then took long straws to suck alcohol out of a bowl placed in the middle of the table. On my Yahoo Photo album found here, you can see a guy taking more of a risk Scorpion Bowling, since he's moving live scorpions around in a bowl. So cool. You can also find pictures of dried frogs.

Ellen and I figured we have about 1200 plus photos from this trip, including both film and digital from the 5 of us armed with cameras. Then there is the nearly 4 hours of video. Don't worry, many are repeats of the same shot in an attempt to get the "perfect" one. I figure there are about 200 or 300 really good shots, about about 40 minutes of usable video (should I get to editing it all, which I doubt will happen).

I've been updating a few things on the blog photo albums as well, so some have disappeared. However, I think you'll like what I'm putting up now, including one that outlines my trip to Fuzhou.

We're Back

So much to tell, so much sleep to get...

We're back in town after a VERY long flight. We expected the hardest part of the journey to be from Hong Kong to Chicago, but we were wrong.

We woke up at 4:30am China Time (4:30 pm Tuesday afternoon Eastern Time) to catch an 8am flight to Hong Kong. The processes of getting our bags checked, going through immigration and security took us pretty much all of the time between when we got to the airport (6am) and getting on the flight. All that for 35 minutes in the air.

Hong Kong was no easier. We had to walk a long distance just to get to a tram that took us to yet another line, this one at the United counter, in which we had to check in again, this time getting boarding passes through to Boston. We had a 3 hour layover, it took 1.5 hours just to do the necessary work. We also had to go through security a second time.

The ensuing 14 hours on a plane turned out to be relatively easily. We had two window seats, so not much fighting, and enough battery power in the DVD player to keep the movies going for a while. Shoshi also slept quite a bit, but each time I managed to doze off, one of the boys took that opportunity to ask me a question.

We arrived in Chicago tired and road weary, expecting a 3 hour layover, then a 2 and a half hour flight to Boston. We were supposed to be home at 9:30pm ET on Wednesday, and we had everyone timed to be awake and tired by then.

Immigration took a bit of time, since we needed to put in Shoshi's paperwork, but that didn't take too long, and getting through customs itself was rather painless. Then it was onto the domestic air terminal (a third trip through security) where we learned that our flight was in gate B7... right in front! And for a bonus, right next to Starbucks, YES!

We watched as flight after flight became delayed, and then they moved us to gate B20... the other side of the airport. So we gathered ourselves and the 9 other families, all with babies, some with other kids, and moved down... only to learn that our flight wouldn't take off until 8:45pm CT  at the earliest, but because Chicago needed the gates, we had to board at 7pm CT, move the plane into the "Penalty Box" and sit on the tarmac. Oh yeah, and we had to go back to gate B7 to wait.

Long story short, we boarded and the kids even got to take a turn in the cockpit! We finally took off at about 9:00 Chicago time (10:00pm ET Wednesday), had a short holding delay over Boston, a bumpy flight in, and finally landed at about 1:20am ET. We were home by 2:20am ET Thursday, only to find that a large branch fell off the tree in front of our house blocking the street. Luckily, it didn't hit the house.

As for Shoshi, she's doing great. She's in an entirely new environment and three more people have shown up to introduce themselves. Less than 12 hours after landing she had her first appointment with the man who will be her regular doctor.

She's even starting to like me. Granted, she still likes her mom best, and won't take a bottle from me, but she did smile at me when I walked up while she and Ellen were in the pool (another parent joked that she may have thought I was someone else) and I can now feed her. But overall, she's doing just fine.

Now, we're unpacking and exhausted, people are calling so if I don't call you back please forgive me. I may not get to you until this weekend.

One side note. On one of our last shopping trips in China I picked up two traditional Chinese silk shirts, one red and one blue. I must say, they look quite good on me!

Random Thoughts

This is probably my last dispatch from China. Since I'm on a pretty slow connection I'm probably not going to spell check this.

Today we completed our adoption by going to the US Consulate and swearing that everything we put in our documents is the truth. The hardest part of this whole processes was just getting into the building. Instead of walking the one block down the road to the entrance, you have to walk down half a bock, up another block in the opposite direction, past a few places where Chinese nationals are filling out papers to get visas, then through the first checkpoint where they check your passport. After that you snake through to another entrance where you are again checked and you walk through a metal detector. At this point, any cell phones, cameras, bags or strollers you brought with you are left behind.

Once you're through all this security, you walk upstairs to a room where you go through a rather anti-climactic ceremony, led by a State Department official from Minnesota (whose wife we met at the International Air Terminal in San Francisco) in which you basically say "yes, I told the truth."

Some interesting notes: this consulate office processes about 7000 Chinese adoptions a year, that's about one third of all international adoptions into the US.

So we have a sealed envelope to take home. Once we enter US soil it's opened by INS officials and she becomes a US citizen. Then, of course, we need to re-adopt her to get a birth certificate in Massachusetts.

All this security made me wonder if we, as Americans, aren't crazy. I understand the need for security. But to be so scared of our own shadow to ban diaper bags and cell phones from everyone entering the consulate is a little crazy. This tiny ceremony was essentially the the final step in a process that started about a year and a half ago. It was also the one that we couldn't record. I have a three-year-old who automatically takes off his shoes when he comes to an airport security checkpoint. How sad is that?

After all this was done we did a little last-minute shopping, and I had about an hour to walk around areas that I hadn't seen before. Notably, an open-air market where herbs, spcies and other foods are sold. Here I saw live scorpions, dried snake skins, plenty of ginger, monkey bones, cats (still alive), chickens (also alive), drying starfish and sea horses, and plenty of things I couldn't identify. I took pictures of everything I could (though, not the monkey bones. When I made a second pass on the street, they were gone). This is the one place in China where sales people didn't accost me. They knew I wasn't there to buy, I didn't fit in, so when I took pictures, it didn't much matter.

I walked home and stopped to watch a couple of guys fishing in the canal. They couldn't get their line out of the water, and as I looked to see where it was a dead fish floated buy. I hope they're not gong to eat their catch.

Benjamin

A quick note on Benjamin. During all this chaos in his life--traveling halfway around the world, getting a new sister, new foods, new sights, new smels--he started potty training. Yes, I'm serious. After a rather harsh day in which he was told he couldn't go swimming, he had to pee on the potty to earn it back. He pushed it to the last possible second, as Ellen was headed for the door to do shopping and bring him along while I took Alex swimming, but he did it! Later that afternoon he ran around the room without pants. He suddenly says "I have to pee," walks into the bathroom, goes and flushes. He's so ready.

Boat Cruise

Last night we took a boat cruise on the Pearl River. After dinner I took the boys upstairs where about 30 women were having their group photo taken. As soon as they were done (my back was to them) I heard a loud group shout as the women charged over to the boys, cameras in hand. One boy clutched one side, the other on the other, and they refused to come out. We retreated back downstairs.

Later, Ben started mugging for the cameras a bit, though didn't want any to pick him up. (as a side note, Ben walks around kissing the babies. It's like he's running for office). Alex, upon walking upstairs with my mother, sees another group getting a photo. He freezes and says "I know what's going to happen next," and walked back down the stairs.

Tomorrow we basically live on a plane. At 5:30am we leave for the airport to catch an 8am fight to Hong Kong, then it's 14 hours on a plane to Chicago, a few hours of layover and a final leg to Boston. Everyone else is ready to come home. As for myself, I'm ready to move here. I just love it.

Home Stretch

It's been a long journey and Benjamin is feeilng the affects. He's spitting regularly, disobedient and has gone head-to-head with me many times. Last night was a 2 hour, knock down, drag out fest that ended with me walking down the street holding his hand, 50 meters behind everyone else and not responding to his commands to "pick me up." He fell asleep in the restaurant and didn't wake until morning.

Earlier I was lying down and dozing for a few minutes. I awoke to find coins in my sock. He had apparently been busy while I slept.

But overall the boys are doing ok. They've had quite a bit to deal with this trip, not the least of which is the trip itself.

As for Shoshi, she's starting to respond to me a bit. She let me hold her for a few minutes (until she saw mommy) and even took a walk with us. As for Guangzhou, this is a great city for people who like to shop. You can buy anything anywhere and it's always "special price for you." Ellen doesn't like to send me out with a full wallet.

I'm sorry I haven't posted much over the last few days, but we've been busy. It's like a resort at the hotel, we had Dim Sum yesterday and went to a 1000 year-old Buddhist Temple to have Shoshi blessed by a monk. Right now I'm sitting in a small shop on the Pearl River as people take part in a sing-a-long nearby. Nearly every shop offers free Internet, but I wonder what passwords are stolen. I'm not overly concerned on some of this, but I'm not doing any banking either.

Today is a "free day," which basically means we spend even MORE money. Earlyer our documents were processed through the US Consulate, so tomorrow is our swearing in. Once that's done, we're free to go home!

Tonight we have a boat trip on the Pearl River and other than the swearing in, tomorrow is pretty much free. We leave very early on Wednesday (8am flight to Hong Kong) and we're home by Wednesday night.

Anyone want to babysit on Saturday? ;)

Editors Note: Spell Checking is not complete, I apologize for any inconvenience.

The Final Stop

We had a relatively low-key day today, with most of our time focused on finishing paperwork, packing and traveling to Guangzhou. We're now staying at the famous White Swan Hotel, the final stop for any US Citizen adopting a Chinese baby. That's because of all the Consulates and one Embassy in China, this is the only one that processes such documentation.

One note on the trip: whoever coined the phrase "terrible twos" never let their kid survive until they were three. Benjamin is now spitting. He spit into a pond, on my face, on another parent and then on a window. We're finding that it's difficult to discipline on the trip since you're constantly moving and you don't have that much to take away. So now we're looking at alternatives.

As for Shoshana, she is warming up to me nicely. She still won't let me hold her, but she will smile and even played a little game with me today where I got to kiss her cheek quite a bit. That's a first. I can also feed her, so long as it's not her bottle.

As for Guangzhou, the area we're in, Shamian Island, is quite beautiful. It's very different from everything else we've seen, in that it looks almost French. Everywhere else we've been has shops lining the streets everywhere you look. I have never seen so many places to buy so many things. I have no idea how they all stay in business, but judging by the voracity with which they sell, shyness does not make for full wallets.

Here, there are quiet streets with parks and just a handful of coffee bars and shops. Trees border wide sidewalks and there is even a 7-11. Then again, I haven't seen that much yet. We arrived at 6:30, enough time to get to our room, grab dinner and put the boys to bed.

Tomorrow Shoshi has her physical and we go to the Pearl Market. We have some more sightseeing on Sunday, then on Monday our papers go to the Consulate. Once that's done, we find out when we get our swearing in and that's it!

Finding Places

Shoshana was not abandoned. The literal translation of what she was is "left to be found." This is because most babies are not put in trash cans or left in the cold, but put in busy places where those leaving them (assumed to be their parents) are sure they'll be discovered.

Wednesday (yesterday) I visited the orphanage at Fuzhou. She was left at the front gate during the night and spent the latter half of her first week of life living there. She spent the rest of her time in the area in foster care.

I have to assume her parents brought her there, though, that can never be known. The gate is locked at night, but standing there I felt a little exposed. It had a wide driveway and few places to hide. However, I was there at 11am, not 11pm, so maybe it's different in the dark.

Fuzhou is just a city. By that I mean it has no distinguishing characteristics or features beyond its own existence. One parent on the trip described the ride out and the city itself as 19th century meets 21st. He's right.

We drove out of Nanchang along a modern highway bordered by lowlands holding ancient rice patties and farms, all of which are still tended with water buffaloes pulling plows and handheld hoes. Though, I often saw a worker spraying the plants with chemicals using a hand sprayer and a tank strapped to his back. Every once in a while a little village would rise out of nowhere comprised of dilapidated buildings made of locally produced brick, wood or cinder-block. The farm workers probably lived here .

The "retail" we saw followed a common architectural pattern repeated in the country and, to a larger scale, in the city. White rectangular buildings sat on an otherwise empty, muddy lot with apartments above and box-shaped garage-like openings on street level. These garages looked more like the back of a tractor trailer truck, or a cargo container, than anything we would recognize as a storefront. They had metal garage doors that opened to reveal uniform, windowless spaces.

A single building would house anything from food to household gods to auto repair to lumber to plumbing supplies to laundry to shoes.... you get the point. Just about anything that could be sold is sold. In some cases there were districts (like the selling wholesale building supplies) but sometimes there was no pattern. A "restaurant" was more like a single table and a small oven, eaten at by only very local people.

At one point we walked down a dirt alley strewn with the debris of crumbling buildings and an open drainage ditch, and out of it came a tastefully dressed woman wearing high heels. At one point I saw a man pulling the old-style square cart, one that we've seen in pictures dating back at least 100 years and that were everywhere, while talking on his cell phone. Old meets new.

We ate lunch in a western-style hotel that was clean and nice with a well dressed staff, had plenty to eat including beer and bottled water, and it cost us only US $2.50 per person.

The orphanage itself is in a modern-looking building that could handle about 300 kids, but right now holds only 75. The rest are in foster care.

The conditions look fine and the children seem happy. I wanted to take many more home with me. The Dr. traveling with us, who has been to many orphanages around the world, said it was above average with a good child/worker ratio and some good activities. He also liked the sleeping arrangements.

Frankly, I was only interested in the gate. I took pictures (on film, so I can't show it to you yet) and stood there wondering what it looked like at night. I chose not to have my picture taken there, since this isn't about me, it's about something I want her to have when she's ready.

We saw many girls on the streets, something that surprised many of us. I think the US media has brainwashed us with a "good story" into thinking that just about every girl is headed out of the country. From what we saw, that's far from true. I heard someone say that only 1 percent of girls born are left to be found. I have no reason to accept that number, but no reason to dispute it either.

I returned from this day-long outing to find that Shoshana had a WONDERFUL day. She smiled, chatted, ate and played. Right up until the moment I walked in, and she burst into tears.

Today, however, she is much better. She let me feed her some Cheerios and even gave me a smile or two. The ice is melting! I'm hoping she'll let me hold her soon.

As Caucasians, we attract a crowd no matter where we go. It happened in Fuzhou whenever we stopped the bus, it happened on the street when a  few of us from our group stopped to talk, it happened today while shopping for porcelain. One man said in English "China baby" while pointing to Shoshi. I said yes, pointing to myself continued "ba-ba," which is Chinese for father. I also indicated that the three children together were all mine.

The few gathered there gave me a thumbs up, smiled and said, in English "thank you."

I am loving this country, the people, the sights, the smells and the activity. I love that this culture is now part of us.

A note on the pictures: I will not be posting any more digital pictures from our travels until we return home. Ellen's camera broke thanks to my taking out and returning the card in it. She had it reparied after a harrowing cab ride (more on the drivers here later) However, we got some pictures developed today (including the single-use camera we sent to her foster mother) and those are on disc, so I'll be posting some over time. Here is one of her with her foster mother taken probably about 2 months or so ago. I also have some pictures taken by Alex, some by Ben and some by me.

Tomorrow we leave for Guangzhou, Shoshana's first time in an airplane!

New Pictures

On Gotcha Day the boys had a great hug (I told you about it here) but I couldn't rotate the picture until now. So, here it is!

Also, I put up a new album with more pictures from our digital. Pictures are scattered on film, digital and video, so this is just a small selection of the whole.

By the way, if some of these posts seem a little disjointed, I apologize. I've basically been typing, spell checking and posting without reading things over.

Her Favorite

Back when we received our referral, Ellen sent Shoshi a few things. A small stuffed Ty bear that she and Ben picked up from Target. We also sent some some stacking rings (for her birthday), a small photo album with our pictures in it, an outfit and a single-use camera. Everything came with her except the outfit, which is fine. So we'll hopefully have the pictures developed soon to see what her life was like with her foster family.

We learned a bit more about her first year from the orphanage director. She lived in a very rural environment, a small town with just one phone for everyone's use. Another little girl adopted with our group was in the same village. She apparently was spoken to, since she had a few words, and we now have the name of her foster mother.

But that bear is pretty important. She has hardly let it go since we got her, and seems to regularly rub it against her lips, almost like she's kissing it. Across the street is the shell of a high rise building that had its construction halted a while ago, but people are living in it. Down the street is a modern building that looks like it could be in New York, Boston or Seattle (it even has a coffee bar in it) right across the street from run down apartments.

She loves Ellen and continues to bond with her, but cries every time I look at her. She also responds well to Benjamin, playing with him almost regularly, and Alex even made her laugh (her first). She loves raisins and Cheerios and prefers to feed herself than to be fed by us. She also has a soft whine... Benjamin keeps telling her to speak with her mouth open.

Nanchang

This weekend the Asian Wall Street Journal ran a story on this, the capital of the Jiangxi Province. According to the Journal, this is a city that is just starting to reap the benefits of China's capitalist reforms. The article points out that the progress also brings with it gambling and prostitution.

The transition is pretty obvious on the streets as well. We're in a fairly nice hotel, complete with high speed Internet access and many Westerners. You even see many BMWs (including new 5 and 7 series) Mercedes and other high-end cars. But right across the street from us are people washing their clothes on the street and living in what seems like abject poverty.

The pollution is pretty bad as well, and since we're in the southern area of China it's very humid. The pollution-created haze never seems to go away, even after the rain. Today we could actually see across the river to the mountains in the distance, something we hadn't seen since we've been here. It's an adventure, to say the least. I can't wait to see more of this place. I want to do a bit of shopping and look at some of the alleys (without the boys).

Happy Adoption Day

Thank you all for the wonderful emails and blog posts! We can't wait to show her off and chronicle the rest of her life.

Ellen and I spent this morning in the civil affairs offices signing papers and answering questions. This process is very calculated and well choreographed. First we went to an office to sign the papers and give our donation. There were several waiting rooms, all filled with people adopting. In fact, most are staying at our hotel and we regularly see the same faces. People come from all over the world, so we heard German, Swedish and even some Chicago accents. We had pictures taken for the documents, signed papers gave our gifts and donations, then moved on to the notary office to have things signed.

Once we finished all that we went onto the local Wal-Mart Supercenter to get baby food and other such things. I also picked up a variety of iced teas (Ben, it turns out, likes the sweetened Green Tea). What a place! The most interesting thing is that the Wal-Mart sits on the city square, which also happens to be the birthplace of the People's Republic Army. It has a wonderful Communist-era monument on one end, and the Wal-Mart (along side another of the ubiquitous KFC franchises here) on the other.

The boys spent the day with their Grandma and were probably better for it. The Dr. checked Shoshana out today declared her in good health. Now we basically wait for her Chinese passport (it'll be here Friday) and then it's onto the US Consulate for our last stop.

We Got Her!

After plenty of traveling and plenty of tears, we have Shoshana! And she's beautiful, in case you didn't already know. I even have digital pictures, which I'll try to post some.

Now that I got that out of the way, let me start the day from the top. We woke up this morning in Beijing (which seems like a lifetime ago). Now, by this morning I mean the boys woke up at 3am, then never went back to sleep. I managed to get some sleep, but Ellen and Grandma Tama spent a bit of time awake as well.

We had our breakfast and then boarded a bus to Tienanmen Square and the forbidden city. As we put Benjamin in the stroller he promptly fell asleep and didn't wake up until the Forbidden City. This meant he missed the throng of street vendors who have no problem approaching you no matter where you go. Last night, Ellen, myself and a few people from our tour went to Silk Ally, a large, enclosed market that used to be open air. The vendors there will grab you and drop their price as you walk by. Everyone will give you "good price" and one woman even grabbed onto the tag on my backpack just to try to have something to say to me. Of course, everything has a name-brand on it, including Polo, Izod and a bunch of others anyone who shops in Macy's would recognize.

Walking out was worse, with all of us being accosted on both sides by people offering DVDs, CDs and even socks. This in addition to the beggars. But, as long as we kept walking, we did just fine.

Through all this, Alex walked and did wonderfully. He and his friend Luke, a 4-year-old on our trip, had a great time together. The boys took plenty of their own pictures as well.

One interesting thing here is that the Chinese in Beijing (and probably everywhere) are fascinated by Western children. People have grabbed the boys to pull them in pictures. Not just our kids, but others as well. One man even kept moving in front of us to get the perfect shot of Benjamin. One father described a walk in a park as if he were with Elvis. It happened at the Great Wall and again just about everywhere we go. It's not threatening in any way, but done with an attitude that is at once fun and a bit respectful. Many regularly tell us how beautiful they are or just point and giggle.

After our walk and a good lunch, it was off to Nanchang. A short flight delay and then through the airport, on a bus, out to the plane (which started moving practically the second the last person boarded) and up to the heavens. Alex was asleep almost immediately, but Ben waited until 30 minutes before landing to sack out. We then boarded an old, rickety bus and started to the hotel. This is at about 6:00pm. Again, both boys fell asleep.

Alex woke up slowly, but quickly turned into his usual self. Ben, however, wasn't as happy. He screamed basically from the time we got off the bus, up to the room and up until the moment we got Shoshi. At one point, Ellen started crying because, with Ben screaming, this wasn't turning into the perfect family moment she envisioned. That's when Alex started crying as well, tears of happiness as he calls them. Alex cried a lot today. He cried then, when we got Shoshi, and again at dinner. He's been quite emotional. Truth be told, I have too. I cried right along with him when she came to be with us.

The babies were all brought to our floor, so we waited in front of the elevators for them. Each elevator bong made our hearts jump. Ben continued crying and wanted to be picked up. I told him he had to stop crying to be picked up, which he did immediately. I though everyone in the group, including he doctor, was going to drop over dead.

He eventually settled, going to run up and down the hall to the big window with Alex and Luke.

The second she was carried off the elevator. 

When our name was called, she went to Ellen with many tears. Alex also continued his crying, which is why, at one point, Ben gave him a big hug. (I have a picture of this scene, but can't post it now since this computer only has Chinese characters and I can't figure out how to rotate it.)

Shoshi quickly adjusted to Ellen, cuddling into her arms, but she does not trust me. She has a "look" that she gives me that I'm sure will come in handy around our house. She also refused to take a bottle, which is interesting since it was not mentioned on any of the forms. She is, in fact, about 20lbs, as you can tell just by holding her. Ellen thinks that since a man was holding her, she may not be too trusting of men right now.

At dinner she would only take a little congee (a watery rice-meal dish) from Ellen, but really wanted to feed herself. So, um, she's a bit independent. She's in the right family. Ben tried to show her how to use a fork, but that didn't really take. She did, however, try to touch his face.

By the way, once Shoshi came in, Ben changed a bit. He only wants to help her, though he would rather be doing something like watching a movie. Oh, funny sidebar. Once things settled a bit, and before our luggage showed up (yes, through all this we still didn't have luggage) we let the boys watch a movie. Alex suggested we NOT watch The Incredibles, since that may "be too boyish" for her. I assured him that she wouldn't be watching, but we weren't watching The Incredibles either.

Toward the end of dinner we sent the boys back upstairs with Grandma, and Shoshi drifted off to sleep in Ellen's arms.

We walked into the room to find Alex helping Benjamin put on his pajamas, telling him "you have to turn around so I can pull up this part." He then helped with Ben's top.

Tomorrow we go to the local offices to sign all the papers to make her ours! Tonight we are technically nannies, but we're not giving her up any time soon.... or ever.

This has been a long journey, and the first phase is almost over, overlapping a bit with the second phase, which will last the rest of our lives.

Handling the Stress

The boys are each handling the stress of adoption in their own way. Alex has started to become much more affectionate lately. Outwardly, he says all the "right things" about looking forward to getting his sister and wanting to do things for her, but when pressed he'll admit to being a bit nervous about it.

But he's also started to give more hugs and kisses. He also wants to spend more time pushed right up against us, something that is not normally part of his personality.

Benjamin's reactions are far less subtle. He's always been an affectionate child, but now he's become much more demanding of our time. He will literally scream "look at me" at the top of his lungs, or want things his way "only" (that's become one of his favorite words, as in "my daddy only").

Also, Benjamin will only refer to the baby as "Shoshana" even as we call her "Shoshi" around the house. This hearkens back to when we brought the little guy home and tried to call him Ben or Benny. "His name is Benjamin!" the 2-year-old Alex would declare. That's why I often have a hard time calling my second child "Ben."

Benjamin is not nearly as adamant about Shoshana, but his protest is noted.

On a final note, I will soon retire the "adoption" category in favor of focusing on each of the three children, it's becoming outdated.

Sweet but Stubborn

Yeseterday we re ceived the translated growth report on Shoshi. The full text is below, but let me call out one line: "She has sweet disposition, but sometimes she is stubborn."

I can't imagine anyone in this family who matches that description!

Here is the text from the Social Welfire Institute (SWI)  of Fuzhou City as completed when she was 7 months old.

We received updated measurements yesterday as well. She is now 27.5 inches and is 19.8 lbs.

Oh, we found out today that the National Geographic special on Chinese adoption was actually filmed at this  SWI. We have a copy of it for anyone who wants to see.

Growth Report of Fu Peican

Fu Peican, female, was born on 04-23-2004 that was estimated by our doctor according to her developmental condition. On 04-27-2004, she was found near our institute. The police tried hard to seek for her parents and other relatives but without any positive results. Then she was sent to our institute. According to the physical examination upon arrival, she was in good health.

Now her weight is 7.5kg, height is 65cm, head circumference is 43cm and chest circumference is 41 cm. She has 2 teeth. Her main foods are milk, rice powder and congee. Her complementary foods are noodle, vegetables, eggs, steamed stuffed bun and vermicelli. She likes eating sweet food. We feed her 5 times daily and times are 5:30, 8:30, 12:00, 15:00 and 19:00 respectively. She has a good appetite and eats 250ml of milk or 250g of congee or rice powder each time. She goes to bed at 19:30 and gets up at 5:30. In addition, she naps at 8:30 for 1-2 hours and 13:00 for 2 hours. When she goes to bed, her caregiver will turn off the light. She loves sleeping on her side. She sleeps in the cradle. She defecates once and urinates several times daily.

Now she can stand up with assistance. She can roll from one side to another and sit by herself She can grasp and shake the toys. She loves tearing paper. She can giggle when she is happy and she knows the familiars. She knows her name and understands the adult's face expression. She can feed herself with biscuits. She babbles a lot and understands what the adults say to her. She is a shy girl and afraid of strangers. She is a quiet and bright girl who loves listening to the music, watching TV, mimicking, playing games and babbling. She loves outdoors being held by her caregiver. She is sociable and loves playing with the children. She loves small animals and bath time. She has sweet disposition, but sometimes she is stubborn. The person she loves most is her caregiver.

Respectfully submitted
Zhou Ling
The Social Welfare Institute of Fuzhou City
11-29-2004

 

Introducing Shoshana PeiCan

Wednesday morning at about 11:50am, Ellen called me at work and conferenced me into a conversation with the person from CAWLI. Our referral had arrived!

Her name, we were told, is Fu Pei Can (last name comes first in Chinese culture) and she is in the Jiangxi province in southern China. She is in foster care  instead of being cared for directly in the orphanage and was found at 5 days old.

We were told that as of 7 months (the age she is in the picture you see here)  she was 16.5lbs and 25.5 inches and that her birthday is 4/23/04, which works wonderfully in a family full of March and April babies. We were also told that there were pictures of her foot and that she had what appeared to be an extra toe.

We arrived at the agency at 4pm that day with the boys in tow. Other families who had just attended a brunch at our house the previous Saturday were also there, since we were all DTC around the same time. That's when we saw the pictures of this wonderful little girl with full cheeks and also the pictures of her small physical deformity in her foot. She has an extra toe which is directly attached to her right pinkie.

The agency left us with a choice. We could accept this referral, or we could choose to wait another month. We talked about it and Ellen spent the better part of the next 12 hours talking to various doctors from around the country. This is thanks, in part, to relatives and to an incredible support group she developed online. In fact, she had the opportunity to talk with doctors who specialize in international adoption as well as parents of children who had similar issues. Everyone basically said the same thing: it's minor, she's beautiful, congratulations.

So we are now excited to be signing our names and getting ready to travel. The dates haven't been set, but it looks like we're going to be traveling some in mid-spring.

You may be wondering how we came to the name Shoshana. In looking at names we learned that Shoshana has two meanings. In modern Hebrew it means Rose, but in the Bible it means Lily. Since our daughter is named for my Grandma Rose and for Ellen's Grandma Lillian, this is the perfect name.

As for the boys, they're still taking this all in. They have a pictures to look at now, and they even say she's cute. But they aren't talking much about her. They're getting used to saying her name and Alex even asked what her "regular" name is. He was confused since we'll be using Shoshana as both an English and Hebrew name. Frankly, Benjamin's is the same too, but it sounds slightly different, so this feels new to Alex.

So that's where we stand. Other things are going on, such as Alex's birthday party, visa applications and trip prep.

Referral Day!

I know many of you have received this news, and we apologize to those who havent, but we received our referral today. I will post more tomorrow when I have more time to tell the full story.
Just a teaser for now.

Journey into Alex's Brain

Alex has started to show some interest in the adoption. But while he talks a lot, we've not been able to determine exactly what is going on inside his head. There's plenty happening, but what it means remains foreign.

This past weekend we went shopping and Alex, for the first time, started looking at girl clothing and picking things out. We bought quite a bit of stuff, since Alex selected it. Then this week, during dinner, Alex showed me with his fingers how big his heart is now, and how much his heart is going to grow once his baby sister comes home.

While Benjamin has eagerly asked us to read him children's books about Chinese adoption (such as Rose Lewis's wonderful I Love You Like Crazy Cakes), Alex has shown little interest. I'm happy he's starting to express some positive feelings. Until now he's mostly been focusing on things like how she may put Legos in her mouth.

From the Road

Sorry no posts for a while, but I've been on the road sans children.

First, thank you to everyone who has sent quilt squares so far. They are pouring in and though I haven't seen them, Ellen tells me the squares and the wishes are wonderful. We thank you all.

Benjamin showed some confusion about our trip to the west coast last week. We were away for a conference, but when we called home Benjamin asked if we got the baby yet.

Finally, you may remember my post about the Secretary of Education's comments on the Postcards from Buster episode called "Sugartime." Well, today I received a form letter letter stating the following:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding Secretary Spellings’ concerns with the Department of Education’s cooperative agreement with the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) and the Postcards from Buster episode, “Sugartime!” 

Secretary Spellings stands by the concerns she shared with PBS President Pat Mitchell.  The cooperative agreement the Department of Education has with PBS is to support programs that are designed to prepare preschool and elementary-age children for school.  A principal focus of the law that authorizes funding for the Ready-To-Learn program, is to facilitate student academic achievement.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact the Department.  We appreciate your comments.

Sincerely,

U.S. Department of Education

I'm wondering if there is an existing petition drive to remove her from office. If so, please let me know so I can sign and campaign for others to do so as well.

Getting Ready for Baby X

I know many people have been asking for an update on the adoption. Honestly, we don't have much.

Referrals have gone out to the group immediately before us. The "referral" is the document that has your daughter's picture, stats, location, etc. When we get this document it will be the first time that we have an actual person to go with the concept. We expect to receive the referral in the next month or so, with travel coming 6 or 8 weeks after that.

As far as the boys are concerned, I wonder what it will be like when they see the picture. Right now the "baby sister" is just a concept. When we get the face we'll have to name her (for purposes of travel documents) and probably will tell the boys her name at that point.

Benjamin has shown some signs of new brother-ish behavior. The other day he asked Ellen to hold him tight "like in my China book." We have a few stories of girls being adopted from China, and in at least one a mother holds her daughter tight. He then told Ellen "you love me ONLY."

She had to explain that she loved him very much, but she also loved Alex, and me, and will love the new baby too. She also described how babies bring more love and your heart grows with each child.

Alex, hearing this, immediately thought his heart would physically GROW in his chest.

Name Game Redux

Back when I was getting paid to write (paid may be a loose description, but it's technically accurate) I wrote an article called the Name Game for the Web zine Generation J. In it I outlined the difficulties of naming a child while working within set guidelines. We played this game with Benjamin as well, but it was made easier by the fact that he was born on Grandma Bertha's birthday, pretty much nailing down his name.

We thought the rules were more complex this time, since we're talking about giving what amounts to a very "Jewish" sounding name to a little girl who will have an Asian face. We wondered if we could do that, if it would saddle her unnecessarily with something she'd regret later.

But then we realized we were over-thinking the issue. The fact is, there are many people of mixed ethnic backgrounds who have faces and names that don't "match" in a cultural sense. It's part of the changing fabric of America, and part of who she is and will become. Quite a few friends pointed this out and we are grateful to them for helping us clarify things to ourselves.

Also, frankly, throw our last name on ANY name, and it's pretty much ethnically "Jewish."

The discussion became more urgent recently when we read the documentation for our China trip and found that we needed to give her a name before officially accepting the referral. This means naming her before we go and get her--something we had not counted on.

The rules? She is to be named for both my Grandma Rose and Ellen's Grandma Lillian. We have also decided (for now) to keep her Chinese name as her middle name.

We're still not telling you her name, but just know that we thought long and hard about it and it has a lot of meaning to us.

Quilt Progress

The patches of fabric have been steadily coming in for the quilt, but we still have a long way to go! Here are some examples of the wishes we've received and the swatches of fabric that have come with them.

Overheard

The other day one of the guys working on our kitchen was talking to Benjamin.

Q: Where do apples come from?
A: Apple trees
Q: Where do chickens come from?
A: I don't know.
Q: Where do tomatoes come from?
A: Tomato trees.
Q: Where do hot dogs come from?
A: Baseball Games!
Q: Where do shoes come from?
A: New Balance Outlet!

Can you say "personification"?

Today we visited with some people who are also adopting girls from China, all of whom are DTC September. The family who hosted have two boys around the same age as Alex and Benjamin, though slightly older.

Alex used to have imaginary friends named Doko and Chompy who we found faded over time. They'd make an occasional reappearance, usually around the time that he was going through a major change. For example, they came back when he went to preschool and made a small cameo on his first day of kindergarten. They then morphed into "Baby Unicorns."

While in the car after leaving brunch, Alex told us that today was his Baby Unicorn's birthday. We then asked him the name of his baby unicorn. He told us he wasn't sure, but the name was going to start with an 'R.' To put this in context, we told the boys that we're looking for names for their sister, and we want a name to start with the letter 'R.'

Holiday Season

As we were leaving a busy mall today Ellen said something about the parking lot being full for Christmas.

"We don't celebrate Christmas," Benjamin said. "We celebrate Halloween!"

100 Good Wishes and Counting

We need your help.

In Chinese culture there is what is called a Bai Jia Bei, or a 100 Good Wishes Quilt. This is a quilt made up of fabric from friends, family and loved ones of the new addition. Each person (or group) contributes a patch of cloth and a cloth scrap. The patch goes into the quilt while the scrap goes into a memory book. The quilt contains the luck, energy and good wishes from all the families and friends who contributed a piece of fabric. It can then be passed down from generation to generation.

We would love it if everyone could help us with this. Our goal is to have everything together by late December.

Each person should send a 7 and a half inch square of 100 percent cotton cloth, a scrap of the same cloth and a signed index card with a wish.

Please mail the fabric to our house. If you need our address email us at ace (dot) tanowitz (at) verizon (dot) net.

Interesting Globe Article

This past weekend the Boston Globe Magazine ran a cover story about Chinese adoption written by a woman who, along with her husband, recently adopted a child from China. Interestingly enough, the family used China Adoption With Love, Inc. (CAWLI), the same agency we're using.

It's certainly worth a read.

Feeling Real

When you're a father expecting biological children it's difficult to get the full effect of pregnancy. A woman feels her body changing from the very start, she feels every move and every bit of nausea. But for the father, the baby remains abstract until something makes it real.

That point is different for every father. Maybe it's when your wife's body starts to change or when you first feel the baby kick. For me it was the day I heard the heartbeat. At that moment the babies became real.*

That happened for me today with our coming daughter. I can fill out all the forms, sign my name, get fingerprinted, attend meetings and read about the process, but Ellen did something today that made everything click and the idea of having a daughter went from being an abstract concept to reality.

She bought dresses.

Just a few (and a capri pant set), but it was enough for me to start picturing a daughter, a real daughter, not a concept, wearing this clothing.

It's a good feeling.

*This is why it's important that men attend even a few doctor's appointments with their pregnant wives. Not only will it make life easier by not hearing "you're just not involved," but it'll help bring the idea alive.

Logged In

Another step has been taken in our adoption quest. The Chinese government "logged in" our paperwork on September 7, 2004. We are now lumped in with the September families.

The wait is now about 6 months, so we expect to have a referral by March with travel 6 to 8 weeks after that. We have a Bar Mitzvah in NY in early April, so as of now it looks like we'll be there, but you just never know. We may be traveling during Passover.

The referral will come with a photograph of our baby girl. While it'll be exciting to have the picture, that excitement will have to be tempered with the knowledge that something can change at the last minute. The baby we see MAY NOT be the baby we bring home.

On a side note, while sitting in the synagogue hallway on Friday Alex, for the first time, brought up the adoption. He told me he's been thinking about a name for his new sister. The name he chose: Quiet Nice.

I also heard Benjamin playing the other day with a Fisher-Price taxi. "Off to China!" he said.

Our Big News

As many of you know, we have decided to complete our family by adopting a little girl from China.

For those of you who received the email below one thing has changed... our Dossier is now in China! Meaning, we are now simply waiting for our referral.

If the current pattern holds, this spring we’ll receive a “referral” consisting of a photo of the child China has matched us with, along with scant information on her birth date and health. Upon our acceptance of the child, we would expect to travel to China about six to eight weeks later to complete the adoption process and finally, bring her home!

As we’ve been telling people our news we’ve run in to some frequently asked questions, so we hope this answers most of what is probably going through your head.

Why adoption?
We decided that we wanted to add a girl to our family. We have a family with a lot of love and we knew that there were little girls who needed a family. If that’s not a match, I don’t know what is.

Why China?
In short, we wante